How my New Year went.

This post is here in order to answer the question posed by SeleneKyle as to what I was doing in a lawn bowling club at New Year.
Truth be told it's 'cos I have the dullest job in the history of mankind. I work behind the bar in the Bainfield Bowling & Social Club and spend most of my time wondering how many years I'd get in prison for throwing a hand grenade into the middle of the green during a game. I get the feeling that I'd get at least ten years but by God it'd be worth it.

On New Years eve as I was preparing to go into work I remembered the little blue pill that my friend had given me the previous week.
"Ohh well, if I can't kick the shit out of a bottle of rum I may as well swallow that chemical and have a laugh." I thought to myself. (Actually I didn't think that. I said it out loud as I was the only person there at the time and didn't need to worry about someone seeing me talking to myself.)

So with about twenty minutes 'til start time I pulled open a can of Diet Coke, Popped the pill into my mouth, took a long swig of Coke and felt the blue pill slide down my throat.

[Two Hours later]

I'm standing in a hall with 160 people who are no younger than 60 years old and nothing is beginning to give me the feeling that chemicals are whizzing about in my system. I pick up my moby and send a text to the man who gave me that little blue pill.

[Text message conversation between me and Oscar* follows]

Me: Hey m8, what was that little blue pill you gave me the other week? I copped it just before I came into work and jack shit is happening.

Oscar: U not getting the tingle?

Me: Not a fukin thing m8. I popped it more than two hours ago and no sign of anything happening. Where did you get it? What is it? WHY IS IT NOT WORKING???

Oscar: Got it from The Man. You feeling horny yet? VIAGRA BABY! VIAGRA! Have a nice New Year... ; )

* Name changed to protect the not so innocent.

"FUCKING SWINE!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, scaring the living shit out of the three other people that I was working with behind the bar.

"what's wrong with you?" They asked as one. I explained what my "friend" had done to me. They all burst out laughing as I began to rant into the void...

"That fucker gave me a pill that makes you want to fuck all night. Do I look like I need that? I have horny off to a T, I'm a man for the love of God, We don't need pills to get us horny... And not only that I'm stuck in a bowling club in a hall full of pensioners who are about as attractive as Maggie Thatcher... What the fuck would anyone do that for? I'm a member of the species that thinks about sex once every six fucking seconds. I haven't had sex in four years and that fucker does that to me... I'm gonna kill him."

Then just to make things worse the woman I was working with bent over to show her (more than) ample cleavage. "Fancy a diddy ride Ross?" She said.

I felt the blood begin to rush from my large head to my small head as the Viagra done it's job. Nikki's eyes dropped southwards in her sockets and spotted my rapidly swelling manhood. "Holy shit!" She exclaimed.

I tried desperately to fill my mind with images that would normally guarantee a Soft-on in a second but to no avail. I turned on my heels and ran out the fire door. I looked into the sky and screamed out at the void above me.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"



And that was my "Happy" New Year.