Ho hum.

I'm not sure that I'm going to post on here on a regular basis so please keep up to date with my other blog.

Cnut

I will be posting there on a skatty basis. Anything that deserves to be posted here will be.

Place title here.

Following a small bout of illness I'm back. Quite a frightening thought for both of us believe me.

Since I posted the phone number of my work on here the people at work have reported a growing number of strange calls.

Most of the calls are from telesales depts the world over.

I know that I did say I hate telesales but in order to keep a karmic balance I'm willing to answer every call from them from now on with a smile. But only during my working hours.


*note to telesales people; I will NOT buy anything or give you ANYTHING other than stupid answers to your enquiries.

Lick my fucking nuts.

Telesales. The bane of everyone who picks up a ringing phone to be greeted by the dulcet tones of a barely trained monkey reading from their copy of the Sell-these-people-this-shit script.
I got one of these bastards today while I was at work today. I picked up the phone to be greeted by some fuckwitted moron with a cheeky-chirpy-chappy voice that sounded as genuine as pResident Bush's inauguration speech.
"Congratulations sir," It whined, "can I confirm that your number is 0131 443 5847"
"Correct" I said.
"Then it is my pleasure to inform you that you have won a grand prize draw to win a new car. All you need to do is give me a credit card number so we can transfer ownership to you." It continued.
"Do you realize that this is a police station you have dialed?" I said, having sussed it was an attempt at a scam.

And that was the end of that.

I'd recommend this tactic to you all. Works every time.

Every fucking year...

It's the same. January begins and Movie makers tout their latest flick as "THIS YEARS MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE!"

Excuse me? It's fucking January! There are another eleven months of the year. I'm pretty sure that there may be a movie in that timespan that I want to see more than January's offerings.

In a vain attempt to change the world I live in I would like to ask film makers and marketing companies to start using honesty for a change and put on the posters "You may think it's a great film, You may think it's shit. Pay your money and take the chance. Or don't. Your choice."

I'd also like to ask them if they insist on putting film reviewers opinions onto promotion posters that they make them fair and balanced.

For every positive review on posters for movies there should be one negative. That'd be a lot better than believing the hype that you have to see the movie and enjoy it because The Times film reviewer says it's "Fantastic, A must see." Or that Jonathan Ross says it's "A Wolloking Woller coaster Wide of a movie..."

Take The Blair Witch for example, Touted by marketers as "Remarkable" "Suspense at it's best" And other similarly ass kissingly trite sayings. Wouldn't it be nice if there was my review of "Utter shite... Do yourself a favor and spend the saved hour and a half drinking heavily." beside the positive reviews?

I'm a dreamer.

Drying in the warm glow of the fire.

There's something wonderful about coming out of the shower, grabbing a warm towel and sitting in front of a fireplace and drying off at natures pace.

As I type this I'm doing just that. (Not really a nice thought for anyone who has seen what I look like naked but as that's only three former girlfriends, and my parents when I was a lot younger, so I don't have a major worry there.)

What makes it even more of a pleasure to sit here drying off is that at the moment outside it's like one of those old Black & White pirate films I remember from my mispent youth. Heavy winds are causing the rain to smack against the windows like flies on the windscreen of a fast travelling car during the Midge mating-season.

The only thing I can think of at the moment that would make this moment in my life even better would be having someone to snuggle into. The warmth of another human next to me seems to me to be the best thing I can think of at the moment, after all, is that not what every human wants in life? Maybe I'm just feeling a bit in need of company after four years of solitude.

Perhaps I should make the effort to get back into the dating game before I turn into a 40 year old curmudgeonistic swine that thinks everything is beyond fucked. [OK, I know that curmudgeonistic is technically not a word but it sure looks, and sounds, like it should be so I'm using it whether Collins, Merriam, Webster and the OED like it or not.]

In order to get back into the dating game I must start trying to remember the rules of the game. Here are the ones I can remember off the top of my head...

1. Be yourself.
2. Be polite.
3. Be courteous.
   
4. Tell absolutely no jokes that you wouldn't tell your Mother.
   
5. Smile politely. (& only at her face.)

No doubt there are more that I have forgotten but I'm sure they'll come back to me.
It's like riding a bike...

(I know that's a very poor synonym given the subject matter but it's really clever and quite funny so I'm keeping it in there.)

How my New Year went.

This post is here in order to answer the question posed by SeleneKyle as to what I was doing in a lawn bowling club at New Year.
Truth be told it's 'cos I have the dullest job in the history of mankind. I work behind the bar in the Bainfield Bowling & Social Club and spend most of my time wondering how many years I'd get in prison for throwing a hand grenade into the middle of the green during a game. I get the feeling that I'd get at least ten years but by God it'd be worth it.

On New Years eve as I was preparing to go into work I remembered the little blue pill that my friend had given me the previous week.
"Ohh well, if I can't kick the shit out of a bottle of rum I may as well swallow that chemical and have a laugh." I thought to myself. (Actually I didn't think that. I said it out loud as I was the only person there at the time and didn't need to worry about someone seeing me talking to myself.)

So with about twenty minutes 'til start time I pulled open a can of Diet Coke, Popped the pill into my mouth, took a long swig of Coke and felt the blue pill slide down my throat.

[Two Hours later]

I'm standing in a hall with 160 people who are no younger than 60 years old and nothing is beginning to give me the feeling that chemicals are whizzing about in my system. I pick up my moby and send a text to the man who gave me that little blue pill.

[Text message conversation between me and Oscar* follows]

Me: Hey m8, what was that little blue pill you gave me the other week? I copped it just before I came into work and jack shit is happening.

Oscar: U not getting the tingle?

Me: Not a fukin thing m8. I popped it more than two hours ago and no sign of anything happening. Where did you get it? What is it? WHY IS IT NOT WORKING???

Oscar: Got it from The Man. You feeling horny yet? VIAGRA BABY! VIAGRA! Have a nice New Year... ; )

* Name changed to protect the not so innocent.

"FUCKING SWINE!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, scaring the living shit out of the three other people that I was working with behind the bar.

"what's wrong with you?" They asked as one. I explained what my "friend" had done to me. They all burst out laughing as I began to rant into the void...

"That fucker gave me a pill that makes you want to fuck all night. Do I look like I need that? I have horny off to a T, I'm a man for the love of God, We don't need pills to get us horny... And not only that I'm stuck in a bowling club in a hall full of pensioners who are about as attractive as Maggie Thatcher... What the fuck would anyone do that for? I'm a member of the species that thinks about sex once every six fucking seconds. I haven't had sex in four years and that fucker does that to me... I'm gonna kill him."

Then just to make things worse the woman I was working with bent over to show her (more than) ample cleavage. "Fancy a diddy ride Ross?" She said.

I felt the blood begin to rush from my large head to my small head as the Viagra done it's job. Nikki's eyes dropped southwards in her sockets and spotted my rapidly swelling manhood. "Holy shit!" She exclaimed.

I tried desperately to fill my mind with images that would normally guarantee a Soft-on in a second but to no avail. I turned on my heels and ran out the fire door. I looked into the sky and screamed out at the void above me.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"



And that was my "Happy" New Year.

Ranting into the void.

I liked the title so much I got the blog.